Little Elm

Missing Grandma Jeanne

It is incredible how four years can pass in a blink of an eye, but that deep ache in your heart from missing someone never quites heals.  I am typing this from the house in which Jay's mom passed away four years ago today.  It feels stranger yet as the election is brewing as it was four years ago that I was able to tell Jeanne, before she passed, that the US elected their first Aftrican American President.  If felt good for her to know that before she was gone for some reason.  Like, if this terrible thing is going to  happen at least she can have that last gift.  It would have meant something to her.

I know if my heart aches like this, Jay and Beth's can only hurt 10 times more.  I'm so happy that they have each other to share all their memories of the way she did this, or laughed with them about this or that, or how special she made each part of their lives.

The thing that I miss most of all is something I never had, which seems strange.  I miss her laughing at the random goofy southern accent that Erin was perfecting at dinner last night.  I miss her saying how beautiful Sam's blue eyes are and how he crawls around so fast just like Jason did. (which I can only assume)  I miss her scooping Ruby up and squeezing her tight and saying how much she loves her while playing with her bouncy curls. 

I miss Grandma Jeanne. 

 

36

This is me, feeling my best at 35.  Baby weight mostly lost (thanks to the 17 day diet and my motivation team of Jodes and Jay), hair done, new dress on and a rum and coke in hand before a night of crazy dancing.  It was quite the year, 35. 

I never realized how much two kids was going to shake me up. Of course I should just be saying how wonderful my children are and how grateful I am that I had this year with them, which I am.  That is the right thing to say.  Truly though, it has been really hard.  They are easy kids too and I have a ton of help from my husband,  so I am not sure what anyone does when their kids are much harder or they do it on their own.  I commend them.  I feel a bit beaten down, exhausted to my core and inside my head.  I also feel a little shocked that I am this close to 40 and still feel like a 16 year old girl sometimes.

So, at 36 I am hoping to gather some energy and to see where that energy can be placed.

 

Wife. Mom. Manager.Daughter.Sister.Aunt.Friend.Colleague...all the roles that we all take on.  It can be a lot to balance.  I want to add a few new words to my list of roles this year.  Ones that will fill me up so I am able to be a better mom and wife and person in general. 

Volunteer. (I have volunteered a lot in the past but have put this aside the last few years)

Possibilitarian.

Fun-seeker.

Writer.

Okay 36.  I am ready now.  Let's begin.

A Field Guide to Now

I just purchased my very own copy of 'A Field Guide to Now' by Christina Rosalie, one of my blogger heroes.  This is the book that I backed (along with many) quite some time ago through Kickstarter.  So excited to see the book come to fruition and to be part of it. 

It also excites me how anyone who has a dream can find new and interesting ways to reach them. Kickstarter is such an amazing tool for any creative person with an idea who just needs a little help to make it happen.

The video below doesn't really do justice to what the book and Christina are all about.  Her blog is www.christinarosalie.com if you are interested in getting to know more.

 

dear peekay ~ 7 & 8 months

Oh my sweet boy! I have been thinking everyday about writing you this letter.  Something has made me unable to get here and start typing.  It may be the pure exhaustion of being a parent, the endless roller coaster of bliss and dread wrapped tenderly around fear and joy.  Fear of not giving you enough or being what you need, joy from watching you develop a little personality and being a man on the move.  Dread from having not enough sleep, and bliss from your two-toothed smile. Or, it could be that your dadda was off for the summer and we were in this cycle of each day feeling like a vacation. The to do list seemed to vanish and suddenly it always seemed like tomorrow was a better time to do something, until tomorrow came. 

You say words and understand so much around you.  Your crawl started out slow and is now a sprint, you cruise along our furniture and try to climb things (which your sister never did!) and love when your sister makes you laugh.  You can't wait to get into water, whether it be a pool, beach or the bath tub.  You love zooming all your toys around like they are all cars and you flip over anything with wheels so you can inspect and spin them.  You have become incredibly good at playing on your own but would love to join in and play with your sister who because of this has become quite protective of anything she considers 'hers'.  For some strange reason, you have an obsession with bath toys and carry them around everywhere like a security blanket.  You scream when I try to take them from you.

Your chestnut locks have now turned to strawberry blonde but your ocean blue eyes still remain.  They seem to be the same shade as your Grandpa Ron's. Everyone comments on how big you are for your age and you weigh as much as some of your friends that are close to 2 years old.  Wearing 18 month sleepers at this age, I would never have guessed.

You have learned to sleep quite well but still somehow love the 5 o'clock hour and can't seem to sleep past 6 am.  You look so precious in your little green sleep sack holding onto your monkey as you drift past today and into tomorrow.  I wish I could take a picture of it. 

In August, Dadda and I went on a trip and you had your first sleep away experience.  I was so proud of how well you did for Gramma and Grandpa.  You were not too happy with me when I returned but you forgave me by morning. It was hard being apart from you but, I think we both grew from the experience. 

I love being your mom.  The adoration I feel from you and your sister is something I feel grateful for each and every day. 

xoxo

Love Mummy

 

Cry it out

To my dear son,

One day when you are trying to sleep in a $5 hostel in Morocco, with the blaring sound of the call to prayer competing with a dog eating dog outside your screen window you will thank me. Thank me for teaching you the valuable lesson of soothing yourself to sleep.  It has only been two nights (glorious nights I should add) but it seems you are starting to get the hang of it.  It was not easy hearing you cry and going against every instinct to respond, but I think we both win out. 

Even with just two nights of semi-normal sleep I feel a shift in my psyche.  I even did my annual kartwheel today (just to make sure each year that I still can) and even added a round off and a handstand against our tree out front.

My hope is that your golden slumber continues and peace fills your being until the sun shines again each morning.

 

~Sleep pretty darling, do not cry

And I will sing a lullaby

~Golden slumbers fill your eyes

Smiles await you when you rise

---the Beatles

 

Dear Peekay ~ 6 months old

Wow! What a month.  So much has changed in your world.  It has been a month of swaddle free, sleep sac wearing, joint bath taking, solid food eating, longer nap taking, word speaking, moving places existence. That is a lot of change for one month.  I guess that is why this month I feel like I know you so much more than the last.  To be honest, I have completely fallen in love with you.  Your little personality is emerging and what a sweet boy you are and will be!

This month we tried solids again and your stomach seemed to be able to handle it better.  Your first real food was acorn squash.  You seem to love food and grunt and cry until we give you more and more and more.  This could explain why you are 21 lbs and 28" at the end of your 6th month.  Maybe your dad should start figuring out how football works because you may end up being a star line backer at this rate. 

You absolutely love having joint baths and so does your sister.  You chase her bum up the stairs and laugh and squeal with excitment until you get in the bath.  You splash and share toys with her.  You don't like it to end.

Your first word was mamma, which you still only say when you are upset but you went crazy with the word dadda.  You used it and used it for a few days non stop and then suddenly you seem to have forgotten it and now are just a babbler.  It still surfaces once in a while. 

You are such a content baby and can sit and occupy yourself for quite some time.  You went in your first swing this month and couldn't stop smiling.  We dance almost every day to the likes of Kelly Clarkson, Flo Rida and Gotye (your sister's top picks) and you excitedly jump along while we dance in front of you.  As soon as you get in your jumper you seem to look around as if to say, okay when does the dance party begin, cue the music. 

We have come a long way my little boy.  You are so close to sleeping through the night but it still feels out of reach.  Certain things you used to struggle with now though are easy.  You now seem to love riding around in the car, staring out at the world around you.  Your naps have turned from 40 minutes to sometimes an hour and a half.  It is miraculous. 

We know we are in trouble because you seem to want to go so badly and seem so close to crawling.  We'll see what next month brings.  What I do know is that our family has grown in a way that we will forever be grateful for.  Our family is now complete with you, the last piece of our little puzzle.

Love you,

xoxo

Mumma

mastering the art of gratitude ~ why i heart oprah

little elm living in the moment ~ so full of joy

Wow.  I just happened to see this on the guide on television the other day and though I would DVR it.  I turned it on tonight thinking I would just breeze through it and see what it was like, especially because it was recorded in Toronto.  Instead it was transformative.  I can only imagine what it would be like if you believed in god as it does delve into that world a lot, but you certainly don't have to believe in any certain thing for this 'life class' to be powerful.

The emotional flooding exercise led by Tony Robbins is awesome.  In such a intensely quick amount of minutes, I was brought so many places and my freakin heart actually felt affected, a warm sensation ran through it.  You will have to see for yourself.

Anyway, check out this gift that lovely ole Oprah put together for all of us to remember that in the end it really is just about being grateful and in the present. 

Check out the full espisode here.  I would highly recommend watching it alone, at least during the emotional flood part so you can not feel filtered by being with someone else.

Thank you to anyone who reads this and is affected in anyway toward a more positive day, year, moment or minute.

With love and gratitude:

http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Full-Episode-Oprahs-Lifeclass-Mastering-the-Art-of-Gratitude-Video

pure joy

Being a mom of two has brought me to the edges and beyond of pure bliss and complete and utter exhaustion.  Hanging out with my little elm outside today with the sun peeking at us between the branches, made if feel like one of the pure bliss days.  The joy this girl has within her and can bring me is beyond what my heart can hold sometimes.  So I'll extend it to you as well.  The last picture of me is Elm's first photography work.  She was so excited to give it a try.

Pure Joy

What a beauty!

My little dancer

What a silly bum!

Elm's first photography work

Dear Peekay ~ 5 months

Dear Peekay,

As I write this, you are sleeping swaddled in the swing.  Yes, you read correctly, you are still being swaddled as otherwise you just scratch yourself into a tizzy (as mama llama would say) and yes, you still have some of your naps in the swing to extend your tiny 30 to 40 minute naps or so that you don't wake up your sister from her nap.   Of course, because of these things I have twinges of panic that a) I'm failing you and b) you will need to be swaddled until you are 18 and finally c) we will have to set up a swing in your dorm room.  Seriously though, I am going with what works and right now these are the things that work for you.  I'm not that concerned that you are still swaddled, as you are getting better and better in the sleep sac, possibly when your eczema isn't acting up and your sister was swaddled until around this time.  The swing though, is an interesting one.  In the last five months, I have learned a lot about myself.  When I was on my first maternity leave if I would have read one of my friends blogs and they said they were still using a swing at 5 months, I would have thought to myself....do they not understand sleep training.  Just have a good nap time routine, wrap up the baby and stick them in the crib, throw a mobile on and you are good for two to three hours of peaceful bliss.  Not so, this time around.  I have realized that I am no baby whisperer, and that instead I just had a good sleeper the first time around and that we all have to do what we can to survive and create a positive space for our little babes.  I am learning and will continue to learn how to be the best mom I can be for you and elm and at the end of the day have to feel good about that and defintely not judge anyone else for what they are making work for them.

As you seemed ready and in an effort to dream of a sleepful night, you just started eating solid food! We started at the beginning of the week with rice cereal and you seem to just want more than I can offer you yet.  You have already figured out how to open your mouth for more and grunt with excitement when you even see the high chair. You sister loves it when you eat and wants to help and defintely wants to taste your food. She is very intrigued by the whole thing.  By you in general actually.  She is always running to you if you cry out, shushing you, telling you "it will be okay, it will be okay".  It seems from your eyes, that you adore her and by your body that you can not wait to play with her. You body is almost always vibrating with excitement as you just want to go go go.  You have made a few crawling motions and have learned the basics of a wave.  You love playing in the exersaucer and love having anything soft against your cheek as you are falling asleep.

You get extremely excited when you see your dadda.  Instant smiles and grunts. I have this feeling that your are going to say his name before mine and I am trying to give equal practice time to both dadda and mamma. 

The other night I was rocking you to sleep at bedtime in the rocker in your room, singing Blackbird and In this life and you put your little hand on my wrist.  Strangely though, in that moment it did not feel little at all and I was transported to the future for just a mere second when you are a man and set your hand on my wrist to lead me to the dance floor on your wedding day.  I felt safe and loved.  I'm so excited to see how you develop into this man, this gentleman over my lifetime.  Even if you don't marry, I hope that on that one day in the future when you lead me toward a dance floor, I am transported back in time to how I felt that night, holding your little innocent body in my arms. Pure, full of love and all mine.

xoxo

Love mumma

Dear Peekay ~ 4 months

Dear Peekay,

What a ride! Your 4th month made me feel like I was a first time parent again.  Two trips to the ER, one misdiagnosis and one paediatrician's visit later, you had bronchialitis.  It was so sad to see you so sick.  To hear a little baby cough is such a sad sound. You were first diagnosed with croup and then later your paediatrician examined you and changed the prognosis.  Seeing you in the little chest x-ray tube for babies made me realize that you are always going to be a trooper.  As I hid protected behind the wall watching through the small window, I thought my heart would be breaking as you screamed.  Instead, stuck suspended in this clear tube, arms up to the moon, it seemed like this was meerly something you do every other Tuesday. Cool as a cucumber. You smiled at the doctors and nurses between coughs and although I was up with you a lot we didn't have to pull any all nighters or anything of that sort.

Your new hearty laugh made your recovery even more rewarding.  You are such a smiley baby even with all your colic, acid reflux issues.  You had several visits to your chiropractor this month to try to relieve some of your symptoms.  We became regulars.

You started venturing outside from a whole new perspective this month.  First, looking out from the baby bjorn and then sitting up in the stroller.  Your sister likes seeing you in both and is excited that your ability to sit up in the stroller now allows her to sit in the back seat where she can lay flat and peek at me as we walk, playfully grabbing my hands.

Everywhere we go, the first thing that people say when seeing you is, "That is great hair!".  Much to my chagrin, it is just starting to lay flatter, but typically in your first four months it would stand straight up, front, back, middle, everything.  It is definitely a crowd pleaser and starts a lot of conversations wherever we go!

You have certainly developed a little personality in the last month.  It is clearer when you want something and when you are upset if I take something away.  You love to hold onto a wash cloth in the tub and bite at it to calm your sore gums, but once it is time to take it away, it is mayhem.  You still love my hair and I think you have started to figure out how to give a kiss. 

I'm glad we survived the rollercoaster this month, little man and I hope I never have to hear you cough like that again.

xoxo

Love mumma